What a Girl Does

And what am I supposed to do?
All I get to pull off is a "bye~"
And she’s off.

How retarded can that situation get??
I mean. I’m stuck there looking like a dipshit in the middle of fucking nowhere.

It’s confusing. I’ve got no idea why she’s upset. No idea why she’s not saying anything. And all I can do it sit around the fucking house and twiddle my fucking thumbs.

No one’s perfect, I know, but I’ve been working to compromise and all I get out of it is even more scorn and sadness.

I don’t know if I’m all that cut out for relationships. I mean I love her very much, and I’d do quite a lot for her, although admittedly I haven’t known her for very long. But this is really getting crazy.

I just wish that she'd see that I don’t mean to take over her life. I don’t want to keep an eye out on her. All I want is for her to be happy. And I’m pretty damn sure by now that I’m not exactly cut out for it. I know I could, but the problem doesn’t lie with me. As far as I can see, it’s the fact that she needs to open up, which isn’t going to happen, by all means.

I hope that she wasn’t thinking that I was flirting with that other girl though, and I hope that she trusts and respects me more than to stoop to that low a level again. And for the record, I was not. I was just goofing around with a friend that I’ve known for a while. There was nothing. And it was in kickboxing class for god sake, how can you flirt then??

I trust her a lot. Although I have issues with some of the people she talks to, and the signs I see, I recognize that I’m the one with the design flaw: I fail to trust enough. I could blame it on "past experiences," but I’m not one to talk about trust.

I’ve broken it before, and the reasoning here is "if he’s done it once, he can do it again," which is not true. Throughout this relationship I’ve done nothing but remain true to my girlfriend, and no one may claim a mark on my name for this.

I’ve trusted her, despite my own feelings which are admittedly overprotective and rather jealous. And no matter how it turns out, I’m positive I’ve done the right thing, despite the glaring faults at trusting. But as long as she’s happy, I’m quite ready to put up with the mood swings.

I dunno, I’m probably rambling. It’s just that... I’ve done much to compromise in the relationship, to try and make it better for both of us. I might be really one sided about this, and I’m pretty sure I am; I might not even be appreciating what she's doing for us, even though she may be doing exactly the same.

However, when I decided to ask her out, I was positive on what I was walking into. And she even pointed out to me that this wasn’t going to be a bed of roses (as good ‘ol dad sez) ahead of time.

Admittedly, I wasn’t exactly prepared for this level of emotional roller-coasting (emotional hurricane more like), but I had an idea. Besides, I had ample warning, even from her. Why am I complaining?

Well, I’m not complaining, per se. I’m simply venting frustrations. It’s not her fault, she's already warned me about how it was going to be. I think the problem lies with me. I’m not really a "sit down and ram your thumb up your butt while you wait" kind of person. I want to help her through it. But we've already established that she didn’t want the help, and I was not to try to alleviate her pressure. Although I still offer my help at regular intervals, there’s really not much I can do.

Maybe that’s the source of my problems; not being able to help her. I just want to be there, y’know. But with the current constraints, that’s not likely to happen, either. Just this state of stasis and inactivity is confusing me.

So when it all comes down to it, maybe it’s not her, or what’s happening to her, or what’s bothering her. It’s really just me. I should change. Maybe I don’t trust enough; maybe I’m not giving in as much as I think I am. Maybe I AM being blind to what she’s doing for us.

It could be a hundred million things, really.

But the problem, hence the solution, lies with me and not anything – or anyone – else.

I just need to find that solution, now.

~~~

“I made a meal of it and stumbled
We both knew that my cookie crumbled
…
You made a mountain of a molehill
Well that's what I will tell myself still”
~ Jack Penate – Have I Been a Fool?

rawr

HAPPY NEW YEAR

i know its late. shut up.

This morning..

.. while i was studying physics, i managed to stab myself in the right eye with the corner of my physics text book.

sadly, it was also the same corner with the jagged, ripped plastic.

so yeah. great way to start the day, dont you think?

i sound emo now, but screw you if you dont like me.

yeah you heard me.

pfft whatever who am i kidding.

one after another after another. life is throwing me some really fast balls. and where is God now?
oh look! there he is, hes the fellow waving at me as i sink to the bottom of the depths of this one massive faliure that is my life.

gee, thanks for being there. i really like an audience. im probably going to hell now. but quite frankly, the way things are now, i doubt it could get much worse.

so all im doing now is not so much 'waiting for my college application to go through' any more than im 'waiting for it to get rejected' given the way my luck (and divine support) is going now.

its just one of those times i just dont know whether i really want to burden anyone anymore. you think im overreacting? you sit for the IB then. see if you think along the same lines as me.

Hate going home

Well, here i am. im not dead yet, thank you very much.

long time since i last blogged, mostly cos ive been really busy with school. and college. and cross country. and.. well.. yeah. lots of stuff.

anyway, my competitive gaming streak has pretty much grinded to a halt, cos of the mounting pressures to meet deadlines and college application stuff.

i got a progress report for chem, cos im not performing well. which is perfectly understandable that i get the report, but it doesnt stop it from really sucking anyway. im getting another one for my extended essay, but thats just cos i didnt show everything i needed to show, thats all sorted, but id rather not let my folks see that til after the chem one is over. as it is the chemy report is going to be a doozy.

i just finished doing some SAT preperation. the exam takes place at school this weekend. thats going to be fun; 5 hours of non stop math, english and writing action! tune in saturday the 6th!

i hate this.

ah well, its not like im going to slit my wrist just to get this over with. thats for the near sighted ones. ive suffered this far along life, why stop now?

and it really doesnt help that my folks think that im not appreciative of them and what they do for me. oh really now?

its not like i dont try, its just that they dont see. pfft. whatever. stuff that. if they dont see it thats ok, as long as i do it, thats enough for me. i dont need recognition for it. the attempt to honor my parents is already hard enough as it is, considering ive got a super duper sister to live up to.

my grades suck, hence my dad loses sleep. oh gee now, thats horrible innit. its not like im not trying. now he has to go off and overreact about it. i know its not good, but its not bad either. he chooses to fret over it while im slogging away in a vain effort to make him happy. i could fucking own this rock in space and hed be like 'but he doesnt own the sun.' and it doesnt help that he doesnt listen to my college advisor in school and pretty much insists that im a doomed project.

well now why not just throw me outta the house? itll be soo much cheaper to finance one child anyway. i figure the sister is a better bet at any rate. im just not cut out for this stuff. and my parents have to worry so much. i dunno. am i really worth all the effort? im trying hard,i really am, but no one seems to think so.

i know my best isnt enough, so why do i keep trying? hah i sound like some kind of cliche emo kid. but these questions are fairly real to me.

i try hard to bring my grades up, but its not like i can take some magical pill (yknow that pill, the one that all the comic books talk about). and another thing is once something comes up, the folks expect IMMEDIATE improvement. learn from the lesson straight off and work to be better. thats all good and jolly, but if i were you, id actually wait for a week so that the fucking report of my improvement can actually come through.

i mean, they read the report that im not doing well, and INSTANTLY (by instant i mean the second they take their eyes off the report) expect me to be improving right before their eyes. and get sooo down when i dont start glowing an aura of improvement as they watch me.

i try i try, but its not good enough. with that in mind, i still work to improve my grades. maybe ill get there by the end of the year, i hope i do. im definately working towards it.

i dunno, no one really seems to appreciate what i do and what i try for. its all "either you're there or you're not," yknow?

"we dont care how you do it, but just get there, and get there now."

well, shit. that would be easy now, wouldnt it. just get up and get smart, in the realtime space of 2 seconds. thanks. ill be sure to do that.

oh look! ive gotten smarter. in the space of 5 seconds.  "too long! do it faster"

ahh stuff it.

go outside and play you idiot. why are you reading this blog? its not like ive got anything to say thats important. not to you, at any rate.

Hiking Mt Fuji~

Well, for the most part, it sucked. i mean, me n my dad were trudging all the way up this stupid mountain (dormant volcano) in the middle of the night, we're exhausted, hungry, thirsty, we can't see anything for the life of us, and most of all, we were just out of SHAPE. hahahaa~

but the drive there in the bus itself was fairly pleasant. the landscape was pretty cool except for the bus driverdudes head constantly in the way.

well, anyway, we didnt see much for the first few hours of the hike (it being 9 in the middle of the night n all. this is pretty much what we saw.








^ and only with excessive lighting from the nearby hut.

well, anyway the hike was hard and tedious at the beginning. everyone was pretty much drenched in sweat near the beginning (we would soon run out of sweat to drench ourselves with).

soon, the rest of our small group left me n my dad behind, cos we were trailing behind~ so me and my dad struggled up the mountain (dormant effin' volcano) step by step, it reached a point we were so exhausted that we took about 10 steps and stopped for a few minutes, then 10 steps, and another few minutes. i didnt tihnk we would reach the summit, and we never did. but it wasnt really due to time constraints to catch the sunrise that we didnt make it up there. 3.30 in the morning the wind picked up into some serious speed (God was trying to toss us off the volcano, i swear), and grit, ash, dirt and all its other cousins of similar fine grain began to assail us. we seeked shelter in a nearby hut-thing. forget what they're called.


grit traveling at half the speed of light, right into our eyes.

anyway, so me and my dad werent going to the summit, what with the miserable winds raging outside carrying its torrent of ash. i was a little disillusioned at first; i wouldnt catch the sunrise.



























(which wasnt really true. we were trekking up the east side of the mountain and caught the sunrise in its full glory)

Also, it turned out to be ok 'cos some of dads friends went to the summit, but didnt get a good catch on the sunrise, cos of the huge number of people who had the same idea (as it was put; "traffic in Housten"), the only thing we missed out at the summit was the stamp on our hikin' sticks~

We were, however, gawking at these senior citizens who came in soon after us under similar circumstances; getting the heck out of the "severe weather conditions." now it would've been alright, cos they bought some of the places extremely overpriced drink and food.


and 60miuntes of rest (no sleeping) was 1000yen/hour


hangin' out in that hut. with food and drink! (see above for prices)

but on our way down, it wasnt so bad, i caught a gianourmous number of pictures of the surrounding scenery on the decent. to be honest, i was wearing what one would call a "shit-eating grin" pretty much the whole way down. the sun was shining, i even heard the birds singing. it was a pleasant walk down. except for the fact that every step i took jarred my legs. so my knees were hurting and my heels were aching.












Anyway there was grit in our eyes for most of the trip, and it really sucked. i was practically crying dirt n water. yes. it was and remains disgusting to me, too.

For most of the hike, me and dad were just kinda sitting around recuperating and just thinking about the massive distance we had to cover (300 meters was 1.5 hours. it was horrible.) and we got home, sweating, smelly, exhausted, and injured (blisters, knee impact injury and the like), and with more than a couple new tears in our clothing. it really sucked as a trip.

But it didnt really matter. I got to spend time with my dad~

we dont spend that many times doing something supercool and awesome, but every moment i get to hang out with my dad just doing random stuff is good enough for me. Now, my dad hates hiking, and doubtless hated this one. but halfway through the despair filled climb i realized that my dad was simply doing this to spend time with me, and give me some memories, which he did, of course. He did an awesome thing, just getting on that moutain with me, and taking care of me as we climbed, making sure that i was ok, paying obscene prices for drink and food that would doubtless revitalize me from my moments of complete despair (really, i was hoping id never have to go higher or lower, just find one of the damned huts and ask to live in there. it sounds funny now. you try getting stuck on a volcano without being able to feel your legs for exhaustion or your hands for cold. cant see straight cos of the flying grit, cant think straight cos of the combination of all, see if you have any thoughts, if you can even think at all.)

I dunno, the time on Fuji was one of great hardship for both of us, and we both came off complaining the life out of it, but i told dad that we'de find something about it that was good sooner or later. but at that time i already knew what was good from that trip.

I got to spend time with my dad doing something different. yknow not just our talks in the kitchen (which i like, too) or the lectures (a little less than the talks). i dunno. its something great about hiking up a mountain with a dad who doesnt want to do it. i tried really hard not to cry on that mountain when the realization hit me, dad asked me if i was catching the flu. i said i was having the snivles.





The man who climbed a mountain for me.

My hero.

My Dad~

~~

ah HAH!

Shoot after watching that one show with Cameron Diaz where shes like illiterate, or sometihng, very touching movie.

But thats beside the point, ive always thought Diaz was looked familiar to me~ no i havent met her, it'd be awesome if i could, but i dont think thats gonna happen anytime soon (ever).

And seconds ago i was trying (again) to place where ive seen her, and then someone came online, i glanced over just to check who it was, and for a second i thought "hang on.. i dont even know Diaz.." hahhahaha it sounds lame, i know. but probably would've taken a longer time to place the face if diaz didnt dye her hair brown! its that quirky smile that she has, the super contagious one! its amazing! i managed to trace her back to one of my old friends.

one problem, now. She's across the sea. ><" so thars a dilemma. hahaha~ fantastic one of lifes secrets is revealed.

psh go do something productive with your life. go out and play ball. im going ot mess with the guitar.

Catch~