AUGH!!

I KNOCKED MY GUITAR ON THE GAWDAMN DOOR....

Nooow im pissed. when i thought yesterday i was sad and depressed, i thought i had problems.

good lord. i am freakin angry. RRRGGGHHH

what a dent in my wallet this is gonna be. freakin ay..

Guess what

i have this theory.

no, not that law of conservation of good n' evil. but thats a good one too.

the one im talking about is the theory that im dreaming all this crap. you know?

im dreaming the typing im doing, the computer im using, the people im talking to, the house i live in, the country i currently reside in, the gum bottle thats sitting next to me on the table (im dreaming that bottle too), the chocolate i want to eat.

im dreaming the hunger that i feel, the music that i hear, the darkness outside, the glaring lights from the celeing. the sounds i hear, the taste of my gum, the sensations of my fingers as i type.

im dreaming it all. you know...

one day im gonna wake up, maybe say.. back into the second grade. i wake up, realize that my whole life so far has been a dream im having since the second grade. since, you know, that time warp thing we go through when we sleep, dream years could pass before one real night is over.

maybe one day, ill wake up. you know. all the experiences would come with me, the sadness, the joy, the anger, proud moments. all of them. then id be prepared to face the world with knowledge years ahead of my time.

if i could pick and choose the experiences i want to bring with me, id pick the depressing ones. yknow, the sad ones. with all the rejections, all the faliures. all the anger, and shame, and all the complete hopelessness and uselessness that ive felt in the past years. id bring all that.

why? because ill be prepared to face the world. if i brought the happy ones, id have something awesome to think about all day, but id have no recollection of the bad memories, and id live life all over again; naive, stupid, and thinking with my heart more than with my brain (which has proven detrimental to me).

think about it; i would never have met most of you who actually read this. wouldnt have gone to church, wouldnt have known where the hell japan is, i never would have met the people here (most of which i wish i didnt to begin with), never known the guys in oz (awesome bunch).

i never would have done half of the things i did involving girls (good gosh do i regret a lot of them.. most, if not all).. never would've gone and been such an ass, never would've been so clingy (only one time, and that was a bad idea to begin with, now that i think about it).. most recently, i never would've chased the impossible.

i dont like that you know, people taking what isnt theirs. except im sort of hypocritical that way. trying to take what wasnt mine to begin with. but what if we didnt know? what if we didnt know it wasnt ours? what if the whole time she leads you on? the whole time, never telling you that she was interested in someone else, always dropping little hints that keeps you going?

of course, it wasnt entirely her fault ay? i cant pin everything on one person. thats just.. wrong. i knew in my brains that she was interested in someone else. i knew that she wasnt going for me, and i knew for a fact, id likely never gain her favour. and yet, my *ugh* heart *ew* tells me to keep trying. "fight for her" it says.

problem with me is, when i listen to my stupid feelings, i always fall flat on my face. and thing is, im a slow learner, ive always listened to what my feelings tell me instead of my brains. and look wheres its got me landed? depville.

good gawd. you know, id be fairly thankful if i DID wake up. even without retaining all he memories id still be thankful that ive got a whole, untainted life ahead of me. you know?

one of those dreams where you dont remember anything, but know for a fact that it was bad, and that theres a message in it; "dont f*&^in' fall for some girl, think with your head, and not your gut."

yeah well, i remember theres other stuff i want to say, too. but i think im going to withdraw into my silence. maybe get some sleep, or a game. anything to feel better, or at least escape reality for just a few more minutes.

Catch.

Prom

I hate prom.

gwahaha. what a way to start a post eh?

Well, its ok, really. but i was bored to tears tonight. Oh, and i discovered that most of my grade hates me, annnnd one of my considered closer friends is two-faced, annnnd the girl i like at my school is interested in someone else, but shes been leading me on for a year and ive been too naive to suspect otherwise.

so yeah. prom was memorable in more ways than one, i guess. but none of them are good memories. these people who dont like me in the grade are kinda childish, really. apparantly they tried to rig my chair, but decided not to. and my 'close' friend (the one i mentioned earlier) tells me about their plot on prom night. then continues to tell me that someone had told her this weeks in advance. did i mention to get her to tell me this, i had to dig it out of her? yeah. this is my life.

i may be all happy, i may be taking life easy, and everythings sunny and bright in japan 'oh-dexter-you're-so-lucky-to-get-to-live-in-japan.'

yeah, well i hate it. there is not one stinking soul here that can think or act their age. its ghey. and the girl i liked? yeah, well, she was ok. shes mature, except she should also know that i dont appreciate wasting an entire year on something that wouldnt happen. so yeah. thanks for wasting a year of my effort. id like to call you names, but i dont particularly like that juvenile method of anger release.

so yeah, the food sucked, the lights sucked, the air sucked, the service sucked, the speeches sucked, even the mango juice sucked (how the hell do you make sucky mango juice??)

oh yeah, you know that fellow my um.. how do you say.. ex-crush? yeah. we'll use that strange and unneccesarily powerful method of description.

so the fellow my ex-crush likes (and asked to the prom, if i may add) was pressured by his friends to ask her to sit next to him for the night. which i think he did (i didnt stay for the whole night.. i ditched) so yeah. him and all his stupid buddies were watching me all night for my reaction if i saw them sitting together, but yeah. these little children can play their little 'watch the dexter' games for all eternity.

the thing that annoys me a little now (a lot at the time, but i dont care now) is how that excrush was used as a pawn in some kind of giant chess game to rile some reaction out of me. but yeah well, she decides to have a crush on some scapegoat of a large bunch of guys who think with their asses than with their god-given brains, thats her bad choice. she leaves on the 15th of june, but that is immaterial as of now. im done with playing the loser of this crap. she can go suck up to him for however long she wants to, all the way up to the end of her time in japan if she wants.

so yeah. its been a lousy night. i find now, in japan, i have no friends. and if you judge me, and distance yourself from me after learning im friendless, then good. at least ill know who my real friends are.

and if you all leave me? well, ill just have to deal with it then, right? oh, by the way, if you leave, i can fairly safely say you're materialistic, so get lost, good riddance and screw you.

Like wise people say in the face of these kinds of moments; "Fuck that shit, thats gay"

whatever.
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What wasting away is

I am the embodiment of wasting away~

mwaha.. cos mostly what im doing nowadays is sitting in fron of this compooter and mess around with games, email, chat, and file modding. its good and all to do stuff like this i suppose, but thing is im a little clueless on the current events, you woulda thought i would go read the news or something since ive got internet access.

oh but nooo~ im one of those ignorance is bliss people, dad said it right when he says to me "you're not inquisitve" which is kinda right. i ate a bowl of porridge, when there was already one made ready for me, which was covered by a plate, yknow to keep the contamination out. so the bowl sits there for ages, while i eat a different halping of porridge, not realizing if i just lifted the damn plate off the bowl, i woulda found my lunch anyway..

yes, otherwise, aside from sitting doing virtually nothing for hours on end, i also sit around surrounded by M&Ms and chips (or as the britons call it 'crisps.' go britain --" ) so not only do i waste away in front of my compooter, im also a couch potatoe what with all the foodstuff im surrounded in.

so that makes me a festering couch potato with a complete lack of interest in the world around me.

gee..

but who cares, im happy. i figured id get fat or something, but my metabolism is one of those retardo 'lets do stuff to make this poor guy as thin as humanly possible' kinds. so im still kinda thin.. sigh. need to go back to the gym. but thats ok, im happy.

oh the stuff that kinda takes the happy happy joy joy element out of it is the fact that ive got chem and math and english and physics stuff to do.. oh well..

well, im thankful to have all this crap to worry about though. at least i know im going somewhere. hehe. im listening to 'Do what you want' by Ok Go. awesome song. really addictive. i like the beat~

aha!! you've wasted even more time reading this pointless post!

well, yeah i love you too then hehehe~

anyhoo, take it easy,

LateR
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Yknow, this is just a winge, but if you want to read it, go ahead. you wont find sh*t nothing interesting here.

either way, my friend had a surprise birthday party the other day. last saturday, aactually. thing is, im cool with the guy, and his girlfriend is supposedly my best friend. which, unfortunately, was a naive thought on my part. i wasnt invited. yeah whatever, lame, sad, pathetic, you name it, whatever, screw you if you think like that, cos you're a dumbass too.

geezes, honestly, cant even make the gawdamn call, just ask, at the very least? as opposed to leave me out? i sound like a some girl having a cry about missing the prom or some crap similar to that, but this is something else, you know, i mean, everyone i considered close was there. for fucks sake, my best friend was there with all my supposed close buddies celebrating her boyfriends birthday party! for chrissakes at least TELL me that you're having the motherfucking thing ay? wtf is that just leaving me out of all this? i find this shit out 5 fucking days after it motherfucking happens.

its complete bullfuckingshit the way i was left out of this. what? now im too much of a loser to go to someones house? now im just some idiot whom you want not to hang out?? is my loser aura going to dampen your mood? good fuck, at least have half the decency to tell me that you're having it, its not like im gonna crash the fucking thing, as opposed to you lot, who just turn up on anyones fucking doorstep and walk in as if you bought the whole gawdamn motherfucking place.

i mean seriously, is there not an ounce of courtesy in your fucking bones? TELL ME. shit. good lot of 'friends' you are. i bet you bitch behind my back, too. gawdamn it. shit, since im swearing my head off, gawdamn you too, bloody friends. shit, no wonder i pick my friends carefully. hell, im gonna be even more careful with who i pick in the future. i mean, i chose carefully, and i end up with you?? fuck, my standards must be really low.

Japan, place of technological wonder. oh, so polite they are. well, obviously the asshole who wrote that didnt understand anything he wrote. what a naive assbag.

Cant wait til i ditch this fucking country.

whatever.
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Sports Day

Well, sports day was today~

im really tired so im just gonna make this quick.

We get to pick which sport we wanna do - socca, basket, hockey or volleyball. then we proceed accordingly to our team colors.

then we play in a tourney style ladder, with points and all. i forget what the points are so yeah.

So i was in socca. And also in blue team. we played the other teams, red greeen and yellow (actually, its north south east and west, higashi minami kita and nishi <-- thats not in the right order i dont think), with girls and boys divided into their own leagues. the thing lasted about 5 hours~ish of 20 minute games.

So we played, and we kinda tied 2 games, won one game, and lost the final against the green team. which is ghey, cos i swear that one goal counted (dammit).

anyway, so i did my homework in the computer lab afterward (against my will), where one of my classmates (i think she doenst like me now, and im pretty sure why but cant really bring myself to talk to her yet), and her friend were doing some work.

So i got nothing done in all of an hour, except find out i had more work than i thought, and climbed the stairs to get it - where i got a stich just climbing the stairs at a ridiculously slow rate (either im tired, or out of shape.. pick one). As i left with one of my friends, we saw another lot (good socca players, they are) and we walked down the hill in a bunch of us.

I saw crepe and was starving like a.. like a..
And i was starving.

So i reached into my pocket and discovered that my wallet wasnt in my back pocket, where it normally is. so i decided to pass on the crepe (which i regret now, cos i had coins) and ran home (which i regret now, cos im in some serious pain from sports day now). i was on the verge of complete panic, when my mum mentioned something heavy in my pant pocket of one of my pants hanging in my wonderful and pretty room ("clean up this mess!"). So i reached for the pair indicated, and found my glorious Versace wallet in my back pocket, and then i remembered that i used this pair of pants yesterday, for school.

So thats it for pants, i guess.

Oh, and i was so tired from sports day and running like nuts home that i couldnt figure out whether i washed my hair yet, so i did it a second time. I realized that i had already washed my hair only after i did it a second time. then i had a chat with my mummers.

then i kinda plopped myself down in front of the compooter and started writing this random stuff.

Ok im done tk care LateR
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My day

Edit; This was started on thursday, so elements and details of friday might trickle in, as i finished it on friday.
***

Im gonna be like every other blogger in the whole wide world who starts a blog, im going to tell you my day. its not one of those mundane "i woke up and took a shower and went to school" crap. Well it is, but its a little more exciting than that, but not by much. Ill try to make it as interesting as i can.



So before i even opened my eyes, i woke up to the yells and screams of my mum, as she charged into the room making a big hooha about the horrible mess that was my cozy lil room. I do imagine mum took special care to make sure that she yelled at me for my mountain of clothing on the hangar. So I kinda ducked under the covers to escape the noise, but mums motherly voice just came blasting through the pretty thick protection of my thick winter blanket like it was a piece of paper. So as i knew that i wasnt gonna escape the hell that just came blazing into my room, i dragged my lead body out of my bed. 'Boy, this was gonna be an exciting day,' i thought; 'If i know my luck, its only gonna get worse.'

I was right.

It was a freezing morning, and in my rush to get out of the house (to remove myself from angering my mother any further [and save myself]), i managed to shower, wolf down breakfast - which was my fav, coconut extract and something in a breakfast roll - which i choked on in my haste, and run out of the house. Unfortunately, as i mentioned, it was a freezing morning. And in all its glory, i only pulled on a single layered, long sleeve polo shirt, and my kinda loose~ish fitting jeans (and underpants, for all those who seem to think that i must describe everything, else it be obscene). So as i left the door, i yanked my backpack along with me out the door as i charged for the elevator, eager to leave the building.



Of course, as you know, i froze the heck out of myself, 'cos of the lousy temperatures and howling winds. but i was grumpy and moody as a walked along, fuming the entire time (for obvious reasons). The horrible mood helped to keep some of the heat in though, which was a little beneficial to me, or else i probably wouldnt have made it to school alive.

When i got to school, if anything, it got even colder inside (lets go outside and get warm). So that darkened my day a lot more. I spent the first two periods of chemistry figuring out what the heck the teacher was talking about, what with all the fancy schmancy jargon and terminology (and another word that im trying to think of, its on the tip of my tongue, i think it starts with con- or com-). There she was rambling on and on and on about 'rate constants' and 'the rate constand isnt really a constant, 'cos it depends on the temperature, but its still a constant' (<-- that one really confuzzled me, that did). So after my two periods of utter confusion, I sit for a Japanese test, one which i can say i probably scored better than half (thats a bad thing).
{Learn japanese fast; read it sideways, for the kids; dont.}

After that, i had recess, one recess, one of which i skippd my favourite honey stars, cos i had a physics test after the next period, which was english. Turns out i had some important meds with my recess food.. so i didnt take those, which resulted in my feeling sick in the stomach the rest of the day.

English class was disastrous, we had this thing where we had to discuss a section of the book we're doing (Metamorphosis, by Kafka), which i didnt contribute at all, cos was rushing my last minute review for the test (which didnt work, as i already knew, but i tried anyway). Dont do last minute review, kiddies. It doesnt work. By the end of class however, i had a massive need for the bathroom to which my glorious teacher, Ms Rivard, allowed me. So i tore down the hall to the bathroom, tripping along the way, but managing not to spill over flat out on the ground to look like some sort of loser-pansy-two-left-feet-retard (im a loser, and a retard, but not a pansy nor do i have two left feet, ive got butterfingers though).

Physics test went well... for the first 2 pages. there were about 7 pages to this whole thing. It was horrendous. in a best case scenario, i calculated my score about a little better than half, and i was already being generous with myself. So i'm doomed for that. Im going to need to work aawful hard on my physics to being my grade to decent levels again.



Things turned up a little after lunch, though. It was PE, and normally its pretty fun, if i didnt have an impending math exam the next day (which was okay for me, but everyone else said it was bad, so i think im sunk). So with the looming math test the next day, i played soccer.

It was all going good and jolly, and i was charging up the right wing, closing in on the goal, dribbling my way past the defense, which was pretty heavy, in a one man show. i was in my element. i found my zone. nothing but the ball, the goal, and these things in my way. I got past the last piece of defense and i saw myself an open goal, as the goalie was nowhere to be seen.

Then i found him.

He ran into me like a freight train. Well, more like i ran into him, really. But only 'cos he found his way in front of me. It was like driving one of those little smart cars into an eighteen-wheeler. plus, he was low, so i more or less flew over him (i run fast, and he was leaning to about the height of my knees). So i brought a bunch of scratches home with me that day.

I stayed back after school to do my work (and avoid going home). I went to a math review session for the math test which was happening the next day. Of course, in accordance to the prohecy, my bad luck held out just for me. One of the.. more outspoken (noisy) girls in my grade (ugh) whom i wont say whom (starts with an M ends in an O and has ARIK in between) required a lot of help (was retarded) from the teacher (hogging), which she had earlier mentioned that she didnt like people who hogged teachers (hypocrite).



Of course, not all of her qualities are bad. Shes actally quite nice... no.. she's quite interesting.. no.. she's.. no, nevermind.. she has a house that is 2 doors down from the school. Okay. thats all i can think of, thats good for her.

Anyway, i attended the fuitless review session and decided to go home (albeit reluctantly).

Staggering home in the slicing winter winds, i made my way home, immesurably happy about how the day developed. I say immesurably not because it was good or anything (as you can obviously tell) but because there wasnt a gawdamn bit of happiness to measure. i trudged home, gumpier than i had been for months. As i neared home, i walked past Family Mart, this convenience store. I thought id at least do something with my bad mood and try to lighten it, so i got myself a snickers peanut bar (i wanted taco flavoured potato chips, but that wasnt meant to be, as it was officially my bad day or something).

I still havent eaten the stupid thing. Its sitting here, next to me on a crappy

no nevermind. i cant find it anymore. i didnt eat it, that means its lost somewhere in the house (stinking Snickers bar).



So anyway, i make my way into the house, welcomed by my mum reminding me about how messy my room is. So that makes my joy of being alive skyrocket. because i love having the sheer amazingness of having a miserable day. You cant even imagine my joy.

Anyway, dinner was late because my daddums was attending a college workshop over at school (the most wonderful place on earth), so we ate first. I was at the computer just getting into a chat with someone close, when dad called me over, which although opened my eyes to my college situation, took time. In that time, my posted bedtime approached, limiting my talk time. So i got about all of 3 minutes to chat, and i had to go to bed (yes, witness the injustice, which is quite well deserved.. really.)

Not to mention this tic i have about picking at my (already horrendous) pimple problem, when i come under stress or exam conditions. I was more or less picking at my face all day, so i looked like i had gotten into a fight by the end of the day. Oh disgusting image, you say. but you imagine the worst tic you have, and apply it to yourself for an entire day. how would you feel, much less look? yes. i thought so.

Friday in a nutshell, so as not to bore you to death (if you're not dead already); i wake up to mothers yells (again), go to school, see a stupid poem read out with ridiculous music during assembly, get my only study hall of the week cut short, think my math test was ok when im proabbly sunk based on my peers assessment of the test, walk a million miles to the nearest "convenience" store for lunch, barely make it in time for economics, and get talked to death. i stay after school to talk to my teacher about my extended essay, and find out i have 3 weeks to find a decent lot of sources and a good, focused question.

{hows that for a focused question?}

A lot of time eh? no. im taking this weekend to deal with my college stuff. With all the crap thats going to happen within the next few weeks, i imagine minimum time to deal with my extended essay, which is all important, due to the implications if i fail (no diploma, two years of my life wasted, another two likely to follow).

I've got this theory; for everything bad, theres something equally good to counter it. like karma or the yin yang thing aye? yeah. im assuming one of two possible things;

- Since i had a blast during the spring break (kind of), the lousy crap is only catching up to me now (with interest, it seems)
- I'm having the worst damn time now, maybe in the next few days, itll get better (hope so, i think im overdue).



Selfish, mean, nasty, sarcastic, stupid, crabby, bitchy, call me what you will. I am who i am and no one will change that.



Kind of a sad thought, really.
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