What a Girl Does

And what am I supposed to do?
All I get to pull off is a "bye~"
And she’s off.

How retarded can that situation get??
I mean. I’m stuck there looking like a dipshit in the middle of fucking nowhere.

It’s confusing. I’ve got no idea why she’s upset. No idea why she’s not saying anything. And all I can do it sit around the fucking house and twiddle my fucking thumbs.

No one’s perfect, I know, but I’ve been working to compromise and all I get out of it is even more scorn and sadness.

I don’t know if I’m all that cut out for relationships. I mean I love her very much, and I’d do quite a lot for her, although admittedly I haven’t known her for very long. But this is really getting crazy.

I just wish that she'd see that I don’t mean to take over her life. I don’t want to keep an eye out on her. All I want is for her to be happy. And I’m pretty damn sure by now that I’m not exactly cut out for it. I know I could, but the problem doesn’t lie with me. As far as I can see, it’s the fact that she needs to open up, which isn’t going to happen, by all means.

I hope that she wasn’t thinking that I was flirting with that other girl though, and I hope that she trusts and respects me more than to stoop to that low a level again. And for the record, I was not. I was just goofing around with a friend that I’ve known for a while. There was nothing. And it was in kickboxing class for god sake, how can you flirt then??

I trust her a lot. Although I have issues with some of the people she talks to, and the signs I see, I recognize that I’m the one with the design flaw: I fail to trust enough. I could blame it on "past experiences," but I’m not one to talk about trust.

I’ve broken it before, and the reasoning here is "if he’s done it once, he can do it again," which is not true. Throughout this relationship I’ve done nothing but remain true to my girlfriend, and no one may claim a mark on my name for this.

I’ve trusted her, despite my own feelings which are admittedly overprotective and rather jealous. And no matter how it turns out, I’m positive I’ve done the right thing, despite the glaring faults at trusting. But as long as she’s happy, I’m quite ready to put up with the mood swings.

I dunno, I’m probably rambling. It’s just that... I’ve done much to compromise in the relationship, to try and make it better for both of us. I might be really one sided about this, and I’m pretty sure I am; I might not even be appreciating what she's doing for us, even though she may be doing exactly the same.

However, when I decided to ask her out, I was positive on what I was walking into. And she even pointed out to me that this wasn’t going to be a bed of roses (as good ‘ol dad sez) ahead of time.

Admittedly, I wasn’t exactly prepared for this level of emotional roller-coasting (emotional hurricane more like), but I had an idea. Besides, I had ample warning, even from her. Why am I complaining?

Well, I’m not complaining, per se. I’m simply venting frustrations. It’s not her fault, she's already warned me about how it was going to be. I think the problem lies with me. I’m not really a "sit down and ram your thumb up your butt while you wait" kind of person. I want to help her through it. But we've already established that she didn’t want the help, and I was not to try to alleviate her pressure. Although I still offer my help at regular intervals, there’s really not much I can do.

Maybe that’s the source of my problems; not being able to help her. I just want to be there, y’know. But with the current constraints, that’s not likely to happen, either. Just this state of stasis and inactivity is confusing me.

So when it all comes down to it, maybe it’s not her, or what’s happening to her, or what’s bothering her. It’s really just me. I should change. Maybe I don’t trust enough; maybe I’m not giving in as much as I think I am. Maybe I AM being blind to what she’s doing for us.

It could be a hundred million things, really.

But the problem, hence the solution, lies with me and not anything – or anyone – else.

I just need to find that solution, now.

~~~

“I made a meal of it and stumbled
We both knew that my cookie crumbled
…
You made a mountain of a molehill
Well that's what I will tell myself still”
~ Jack Penate – Have I Been a Fool?