Guess what

i have this theory.

no, not that law of conservation of good n' evil. but thats a good one too.

the one im talking about is the theory that im dreaming all this crap. you know?

im dreaming the typing im doing, the computer im using, the people im talking to, the house i live in, the country i currently reside in, the gum bottle thats sitting next to me on the table (im dreaming that bottle too), the chocolate i want to eat.

im dreaming the hunger that i feel, the music that i hear, the darkness outside, the glaring lights from the celeing. the sounds i hear, the taste of my gum, the sensations of my fingers as i type.

im dreaming it all. you know...

one day im gonna wake up, maybe say.. back into the second grade. i wake up, realize that my whole life so far has been a dream im having since the second grade. since, you know, that time warp thing we go through when we sleep, dream years could pass before one real night is over.

maybe one day, ill wake up. you know. all the experiences would come with me, the sadness, the joy, the anger, proud moments. all of them. then id be prepared to face the world with knowledge years ahead of my time.

if i could pick and choose the experiences i want to bring with me, id pick the depressing ones. yknow, the sad ones. with all the rejections, all the faliures. all the anger, and shame, and all the complete hopelessness and uselessness that ive felt in the past years. id bring all that.

why? because ill be prepared to face the world. if i brought the happy ones, id have something awesome to think about all day, but id have no recollection of the bad memories, and id live life all over again; naive, stupid, and thinking with my heart more than with my brain (which has proven detrimental to me).

think about it; i would never have met most of you who actually read this. wouldnt have gone to church, wouldnt have known where the hell japan is, i never would have met the people here (most of which i wish i didnt to begin with), never known the guys in oz (awesome bunch).

i never would have done half of the things i did involving girls (good gosh do i regret a lot of them.. most, if not all).. never would've gone and been such an ass, never would've been so clingy (only one time, and that was a bad idea to begin with, now that i think about it).. most recently, i never would've chased the impossible.

i dont like that you know, people taking what isnt theirs. except im sort of hypocritical that way. trying to take what wasnt mine to begin with. but what if we didnt know? what if we didnt know it wasnt ours? what if the whole time she leads you on? the whole time, never telling you that she was interested in someone else, always dropping little hints that keeps you going?

of course, it wasnt entirely her fault ay? i cant pin everything on one person. thats just.. wrong. i knew in my brains that she was interested in someone else. i knew that she wasnt going for me, and i knew for a fact, id likely never gain her favour. and yet, my *ugh* heart *ew* tells me to keep trying. "fight for her" it says.

problem with me is, when i listen to my stupid feelings, i always fall flat on my face. and thing is, im a slow learner, ive always listened to what my feelings tell me instead of my brains. and look wheres its got me landed? depville.

good gawd. you know, id be fairly thankful if i DID wake up. even without retaining all he memories id still be thankful that ive got a whole, untainted life ahead of me. you know?

one of those dreams where you dont remember anything, but know for a fact that it was bad, and that theres a message in it; "dont f*&^in' fall for some girl, think with your head, and not your gut."

yeah well, i remember theres other stuff i want to say, too. but i think im going to withdraw into my silence. maybe get some sleep, or a game. anything to feel better, or at least escape reality for just a few more minutes.

Catch.